03 March 2008

Even keel.

On a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Saturday attended a day-long activist gathering on the NNSA's "Complex Transformation", which proposes consolidating sensitive nuclear material at a limited number of sites around the country but also provides for Los Alamos to become *the* sole manufacturer of Plutonium pits.

Saturday night my mother calls to tell me she's ready to put my aged and ailing father into foster care. I find myself in no condition to sift through six hours of tape, following that.

Sunday I go in for my broadcast, and mostly just watch the person that I'm training run the board. There are some rough spots, but he understands it. At the same time, he's not totally comfortable taking over, completely, on his own, just yet.

Sunday night my mother tells me tht my father's daughter's flying in from Mississippi and that family and freinds are coming in from all around to say "final goodbyes".

Monday -- today -- I go in figuring "this will be hard" but somehow get into it and sound OK.

Then I hear that I sound "a bit overdriven" on a weather break during my second hour. (Overcompensation, anyone? I'm reading current temperatures *all over* the damn place.)

I guess I do. The coffee has definitely gone to my head.

I wrap it up and hand it off and get home only to find my father has been transferred, now, to foster care. Not a teribly fun telephone conversation. My mother can barely breathe. But she's got someone there to help look after her, which is a *huge* blessing.

The best thing I've got going for me right now is the two hours every afternoon where I have *got* to keep an even keel.

Domenici retiring was *easy*. Covering ATC over Super Tuesday was *easy*. Let's just hope I can rise to this challenge.
Posted by xeltifon at 8:12 PM

2 comments:

Rogi said...

I'm really sorry about your dad. Here's what you need to know about that: If Dad's in foster care, it's healthier for Mom. I know, from personal experience, how draining and physically disabling it is to care for someone's every need. I did it for a living, as a personal care attendant. And I did it for my father. The day he died, although I felt -- temporarily -- guilty for it, I was relieved. I was young, back then, and physically stronger (though not psychologically). If I had to do it today, in my 50's, it would destroy me. Your Mom needs care, too.

You're learning something very important about focus & discipline, in this experience.

I'm going through something TERRIFYING in my personal life. I don't get to even feel safe & respected in my own home. I never know when the situation will again turn hostile and dangerous. There's no peace; there's no economic stability; there's no privacy; there's no dignity. I have been completely betrayed by someone I chose to love, with whom I'd chosen to live my life.

I have to wait until I earn more money, before I can change the circumstances in which I live.

So, I'm working on radio. And I'm working on print journalism.

Things here are SO chaotic, it's difficult for me to sleep through the night. I wake up, startled and paniced, and worry about what will happen next.

I've been very concerned that this will destroy my attempts to improve my situation through my creative work.

I'm brain damaged; I can't hold a regular job. And a few months ago, this person I loved punched me in the head, repeatedly. This person is much larger & stronger than I and has several martial arts blackbelts.

The only way I can work my way out of economic dependence on this person is to work, here, at home, on my computer, to produce radio and writing.

And I WOULDN't be able to produce these, just to earn money. I need to be motivated by more than economic instability. I have to WANT to produce.

I can't let the distractions of: a drunken, hostile landlady; drunken, DANGEROUS neighbors; a narccissistic & volotile house mate keep me from working.

I have to concentrate. And I'm brain damaged & have PTSD. My memory's bad, esp. under stress. I can't control my adrenal glands; my brain chemistry is out-of-balance, so I don't experience well-being like "normal" people. I have to work REALLY HARD for that one.

Creative work is how I feel well-being.

If I let all the crap going on around me sabbotage me, I'm dead.

My work isn't about me. It's about the communities and people on whom I report. I keep myself OUT of these productions and writings, as far as I can.

So, my work is HEALING to other people, and THAT is the biggest blessing in the world to me: I'm useful; I'm helping.

If I allow the toxins around me to poison me, I can't BE helpful in the world.

I'm one of the few and the VERY lucky: I get to do something I REALLY LOVE doing. Being low-income, with no formal degree, I KNOW how scarce THAT is.

It's rare, even among the financially privileged.

I've learned SO MUCH about: discipline (which I'd mistaken for "abuse," given my childhood), commitment, emotional control, impulse control....

It's turned into a Zen thing. It's like self-hypnosis or trance: I'm completely focused on my work. I don't feel pain, panic, fear, anger, self-pity. You could probably smack me on the head with a frying pan & I wouldn't feel it.

I'm very protective of my work, and everything required to do it. INCLUDING my body, my mind and my balance. I've never cared SO MUCH about my own health as I do right now, because it facilitates the WORK!

So, let everybody around me be crazy and dangerous, selfish and abusive. I've got a deadline; I don't have time for that crap.

4/3/08 6:37 AM
I.M. Weasel said...

Rogi...great post!

Also, re -- the overdriven comment, I do have to admit I was listening through my laptop speakers, which aren't the best in the world, so take it with a grain of salt; however I do know when I play something with a large amount of compression or with significantly boosted levels, it makes those problems all the more obvious.

5/3/08 3:17 PM

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