One less distraction.

No surprise, I slipped!

I made it all through the day without smoking. Bill was smoking in the office some and every now and then I'd get a whiff of it and it wasn't either horrible or good -- just smelled like burning paper -- and I'd think "why do I want to inhale that deeply, through my mouth?" The answer being of course that really I do not. Doesn't bug me the least when other people smoke, but it's sheer madness to actually suck on a flaming faggot of that particular variety. At least for me it is.

I got into the mindset of "must have a cigarette" and determined to get *my* brand -- the Players Medium Navy Cuts that cost a fortune. Poor me, the one place that had 'em just closed as I got there. Then off the the Indian Pueblo Cultural Center tobacco shop and gas station and bought a pack of Smokin' Joes -- my affordable, everyday brand.

Sat down with the book on the piano's music stand (it's got these little things to hold the pages -- very useful!) and worked my way through the 15 beginner chords. Got through them all and suddenly I "had to" smoke a cigarette. So I sat down and smoked one. And then another. Tried to read the book but what the hell do I need a stage prop of a cigarette for when I'm sitting at home in privacy trying to focus on my reading? The answer, naturally, is that I don't. Any more than I need one while driving or while talking on the telephone or while printing insurance claims or any time ever. If I stop to "reward" myself every single time I play real chords for five minutes running I'm never gonna learn a damn thing about how to play guitar. And damn it, I want to play! Way more than I want cigarettes.

Brand new pack -- thireen cigarettes left -- I don't even save one, I just finish the one I'm done with, take 'em all out of the pack and shred 'em in the gravel out front. It's too late to buy more now and damn it I don't need this distraction. I've got so precious little time on weekdays and I've got a hell of a lot more challenging and time consuming project than this blog to fill the time with.

Plus I really need to put some work into this apartment, though that seems to happen naturally on those rare weekends when I don't have people cloying at me for attention. I can't live like this anymore. This flighty "oh I need a cigarette" thing every few minutes, disrupting whatever I'm trying to *do* in order to inhale noxious poison gases into my lungs because I seem to think -- in error -- that it relaxes me or helps me concentrate or what have you. It's ridiculous. I need to get to the point that I can make it through an entire day without once thinking "oh I have to go get cigarettes". Then, maybe, I can be productive.

If I play guitar for an hour a day I might get rather good at it. if I smoke for an hour a day I will die. I will die anyway. And I'd much rather die knowing how to play this guitar. End of rant.