My special brand of bigotry.

I have a strange suspicion that one of the reasons Ferdinand's trying to get me to attend straight meetings too is so I won't use the meetings as a hunting ground. There's a term I've heard thrown around a couple of times about a thirteenth step which I take to be a completely bogus bad thing people sometimes do in queer AA specifically. Hm. Perhaps I should just ask him straightforwardly about it since it's not my intention to do any such thing, nor to allow it to be done to me. Might clear the waters just a bit. Then again maybe I should just not worry about it but maintain my awareness every bit as much as if the meeting-goers were the people in the bar. Why not?

Cruising is one of the farthest things from my mind at this time. (Not quite out there with buying a house, but not far off, either.) "Meeting people" isn't, but that's not the same thing exactly, is it? The people in the groups still represent to me a sort of mass of humanity with which I have a lot in common and might emulate selectively in some particulars. Not drinking seems as sensible a starting point as any. I'm grooming and dressing better than I have in years, and that's a huge improvement. Wearing ties almost every day again just like I did in high school (at my peril) and for the first time since then, I feel like I'm dressed correctly. The fifteen-dollar cashmere winter coat helps, too. As do the seventy-years-out-of-fashion hats I've taken from the closet for the colder nights patrolling the parking lot at Foxes. Finally I'm dressing like a flaming faggot again and I simply adore it and wouldn't have it any other way.

So basically I'm sitting here worrying what other people think of me. That isn't good. Where did this come from, I wonder. It's got to be one of those character traits we develop in order to survive. And I seriously believe that while they can blow up out of all reasonable proportion, to cut them away would be extremely risky, even if it could be done. Same thing as with that little voice that tells me after the fact I should have done something differently. That's simple self-awareness, really, run rampant.

But honestly. I do not understand the breeder population. I've tried. They make no sense to me. They're unbelievably dirty and generally crude. I do not understand the way they think and don't think I even want to. I know there are some good ones out there but honestly the fewer that I have to deal with statistically the better.

It's not that queers are better people. We do incredibly cruel and selfish things to eachother on a regular basis and play mindgames with ourselves and with eachother that would make most straight men reel if they were even capable of comprehending our motives, which they are absolutely not. I surely wouldn't want my daughter marrying one of their kind.

There's nothing wrong with being straight, I guess. Nothing seriously wrong, at any rate. Well, nothing terribly seriously wrong. OK. I'm lying. As far as I can tell they're all completely sick. We may destroy ourselves, but they're the ones that rape women and overpopulate the globe. Six million and exploding exponentially each passing day. A predatory virus overtaking the host organism known as "earth". I should feel sorry for them, really, since they seem incapable of changing. Not that I'm heterophobic. Some of my best freinds are straight people. My own mother is a breeder of sorts.

But I feel sorry for homeless people, paranoid schizophrenics, and habitual criminals too without particularly wishing to spend inordinate amounts of time with them. Where breeders are concerned I'm totally OK with having them serve me food on occasion and clean up after my messes so really I do understand they have their rightful place in a well-ordered society, so long as they keep their chosen perversions more or less to themselves, which they're clearly quite incapable of doing.

This is absurd. I have become a bigot.

And I adore my bigotry. That might just be a little problem.

As to historical causes for resentment, I have plenty, I assure you, without going into grizzly details. Still it's slightly insane. I literally do not go to businesses I know to be predominantly straight. Maybe that's not a bad thing since the queer ones seem to always need whatever help they can get. But frankly if a business doesn't have more queers working in it than the general population has living in it I'm just not interested in spending money there if I can possibly avoid it. If I am treated just the least bit shabbily or know that they have homophobic policies in place, even out of unmalicious ignorance, I simply don't go there. The slightest hint or expression of hostility's enough to get my tongue wagging.

Hmmph. Why is this cropping up right now? It can't be purely accidental. Everything in my life seems to happen for a reason. Even getting thrown in jail has good results. Perhaps this is something I must explore.